Thursday, January 11, 2007
Will It Be Over Soon?
Went to see the lawyer today. We went over the proposed m@rit@l settlement @greement (msa) changes. He made such a big deal about having to pay 28% of his paycheck for child support. So I told my lawyer to take that out. Don’t even mention the 28%. If he thinks he can raise a child on $250 a month, let him. I am beyond arguing about money. I don’t want our going separate ways to be about money anyway. I’ve been raising the two bunnies on my paycheck alone for over a year now, I think I can manage it for a few more years. He thinks I am clueless when it comes to managing my finances. But I think that is just the control-freak in him talking. I will be fine. When the house is sold and I don’t have anymore mortgage to pay on top of also paying rent, I will be less strap financially. I am being realistic and I am well aware that it will be hard initially. But others’ have had it harder than me. Actually, he may have it harder than me. He quit his job. Had a police record for dom violence. Then I am divorcing him. So now he is unemployed. Can’t get a job with his record. He is paying half the mortgage. And he can’t beat on me anymore. Yep. I think he has it harder than me. So. Hard as it is for me now, I think it could have been worse.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Pukes Galore
What a night. The father’s (tf) parenting time with bunnygirl and bunnyboy ended at 6.30 pm yesterday. I was supposed to pick them kids up at a nearby M@cDon@ld as agreed in our temporary visitation agreement (tva). As usual, when it comes the time for me to pick up or drop off the kids, I get really agitated. And yesterday evening was no different. I made mental and spiritual preparation the best I could. I convinced myself the pick-up will be okay. He will not hurt me. He won’t his temper. It is so hard. But after work I drove to the M@cD. Got there about 15 minutes earlier. Parked my car. Went inside. There is some kind of M@cD Care event going on at that place. It was packed with parents and kids from the nearby school.
I watch the parents. And the kids. Wondering if any of these parents are going through what tf and I are going through right now. And the children. I wonder how many of them were forced to reconcile with the fact their parents are not together anymore. Anyway…
At 5 minutes before 6.30 pm I went back to the car. Started the engine so my bunnies will be warm when they get into the car. And then it was 6.30. 6.35. 6.40. tf is nowhere to seen and needless to say neither are the bunnies. At 6.42 pm I called the house number. No one picked it up. The answering machine did not kick in either. I called his cell. It went to his voice mail. Halfway through leaving a message, tf called to let me know the children are waiting for me at the house. My stress level shot through the roof. I am so afraid to be anywhere near him for picking up the children. Because they have to buckle up. Their stuff put in the car. And tf always send the bunnies right into the car. And then he’d try to engage me into a verbal match. To which I usually don’t say much. And then he would get angry. And when he gets angry he would do nasty things to my car because he know he cannot get at me personally anymore or there will be another line to his already colorful rap sheet. So, he’d bang up my car door. Or kick the lights. Or break off the antannae. Or he’d hang on to the window and pressed on it so hard that it doesn’t work good anymore. A month ago, he did the same thing and the window broke into pieces. I had to drive the bunnies home in the car with broken window and shreds of glasses all over the floor in a 10 degrees weather! They were screaming because they were so cold. And who won’t? Both bunnies were sick for a month after the terrible episode.
So anyway, this is why if there is any way I can avoid it, I don’t want to be near him. Be seen by him. Talk to him. I don’t want to have anything to do with him if that is ever possible. But last night I was not in the mood to argue. He had a bad day. I am aware of that. In the morning his motion to have me attend counseling was dismissed by the judge. So he is definitely not happy. And I am agitated that he might let out his frustrations on me again. It is winter. All the neighbors have their windows shut. No one is out. If he hurt me, no one will hear me crying for help. But I felt like I have no choice. I muster the last shreds of valor in me and drove to the house. All the way there pleading with my Creator to protect me with the perfectness of His protection. I waited on the roadside for the bunnies to come out. It took forever. Bunnyg eventually came running out. As usual she is happy to see me. Bunnyb followed a short while later with tf in tow. Carrying the bunnies change of clothes that I packed the week before. He said something to the effect that eventually I will have to deal with him. That I will not always have my lawyer fighting for me. I told him that if he wants me to attend counseling, he should just call up the counslor, make the appoinment. I will show up for the session. I forgot what was his come back to that. I was determine to leave the scene as fast as I could.
What he did next was really asinine. He put his left hand on my door. And then proceeded to shut the door on his fingers. I was just getting into the car then and was about to shut the door. But he beats me to it. So he shut the car door on his fingers. And then he screamed about what I was was doing. Why did I slam the door on his fingers. I told him. I did not. My hands wasn’t even touching the door yet. He said he will do his best to see to make sure things gets difficult for me too. I take it that he is going to make it look like I hurt him ? I should have known. That night when he broke my car window, he did not admit it either. Trying to put the blame on me saying that I tried to crush his fingers with the power window. Luckily, I called a friend and had him stay on the phone to hear tf admitting (without him knowing, of course!) that I did no such thing. That he was the one who was yanking on the window trying to get me to open the window wider so he can get at me.
I did not even bother double buckling bunnyboy into his seat. As soon as he banged my door shut again (this time without slamming his fingers as well) I bolted out of there. Once I was out of the neighborhood I stopped the car to properly buckle the bunnies and give them each a big hug. I miss my bunnies. As always. On our way back to the little room house, bunnygirl was complaining about how it took me a long time to come get her. Said she doesn’t want to stay with tf for such a long time. I told her I had no choice. That we both love her and bunnyboy, that we have to share her and bunnyboy for the time being. That if I don’t let her stay with tf, he won’t like it and will make life difficult for me. He may even put me in jail. She said, “Okay. But next time just come and get me at 9.30.” To my 5 year old bunnygirl, 9.30 means earlier. Anytime earlier. But I catch her drift. I said I will try next time. But I cannot promise.
Last night bunnyboy fall asleep after about 10 minutes in the car. Very unlike him. When we got home he finally open his eyes. I tried to have him walk by himself up to our little room house. He refused. He prefer wailing on the icy cold pedestrian walk rather than walk by himself. Seing him so determine not to walk by himself, I quickly carried the groceries and left the bags by the main door to our little room house building. Then I came back to bunnyboy to carry him with the groceries bags upstairs. Carrying him and the groeceries up 2 the 2-storey building is so not good for my early 40+s body. But I did it anyway. Have to.
Something is not right. While bunnygirl is ravenous, bunnyboy don’t want to eat anything at all. He is sulky. Only want water. Went straight to bed but not sleeping. Lying there just sucking his thumb and whining for me to get him some water. I gave him the water. Just around bedtime it started. He threw-up the contents of his pancreas right by the bed. I cleaned him up. Get him to brush his teeth and ready for bed. He is all clean and was by the bedside waiting for me to finish my 5 minutes conversation with God before bed. As soon as I was done, he threw-up again. A lot. Right on my prayer mat. Some spilled on the carpet next to the bed. Plenty on his now no longer clean clothes. Carried him to the bathroom. He threw-up some more on the floor. I had to give him a bath a new change of clothes. Again. And again. And again. Until finally there were no longer any bedsheets or blankets that has not been touch by his puke! I had to use the plastic table cloth over our bed so he doesn’t spoil the mattress. By the time I was done changing and bathing and changing and bathing him, it was 2.30 pm. The room house stinks of puke. The bedroom even worse. I kept waking up to check on him. He wasn’t getting that much sleep either. Telling me his tummy hurts. He wants water. Or he wants milk. I told him I can give dry bread but no milk. No water until morning. I don’t want to risk him puking again on the only semi-clean bedsheet that we have.
I was too tired to get up at my usual hour to go to work. Called on a colleague to let my supervisor know I’ll be late coming in today. Spent all morning fussing over bunnyboy. He seems to be doing a lot better this morning. A bit cranky. But the rice milk + cow milk and cereal I fed him for breakfast seems to holding in. And he can’t get enough of the warmed-up plain water. And that is holding in too. And when when he pooped out the last of whatever it was that tf fed him for dinner last night he is as good as new. I know. Because I checked his poop! You know you are mother when you can itemized the content of your child puke and you can scrutinize you child’s poopy without batting an eyelid!. But boy! Bunnyboy’s poop stink big time today. So, I think he is 95% out of his pukey bout. Hooray! Thank the Lord!
I watch the parents. And the kids. Wondering if any of these parents are going through what tf and I are going through right now. And the children. I wonder how many of them were forced to reconcile with the fact their parents are not together anymore. Anyway…
At 5 minutes before 6.30 pm I went back to the car. Started the engine so my bunnies will be warm when they get into the car. And then it was 6.30. 6.35. 6.40. tf is nowhere to seen and needless to say neither are the bunnies. At 6.42 pm I called the house number. No one picked it up. The answering machine did not kick in either. I called his cell. It went to his voice mail. Halfway through leaving a message, tf called to let me know the children are waiting for me at the house. My stress level shot through the roof. I am so afraid to be anywhere near him for picking up the children. Because they have to buckle up. Their stuff put in the car. And tf always send the bunnies right into the car. And then he’d try to engage me into a verbal match. To which I usually don’t say much. And then he would get angry. And when he gets angry he would do nasty things to my car because he know he cannot get at me personally anymore or there will be another line to his already colorful rap sheet. So, he’d bang up my car door. Or kick the lights. Or break off the antannae. Or he’d hang on to the window and pressed on it so hard that it doesn’t work good anymore. A month ago, he did the same thing and the window broke into pieces. I had to drive the bunnies home in the car with broken window and shreds of glasses all over the floor in a 10 degrees weather! They were screaming because they were so cold. And who won’t? Both bunnies were sick for a month after the terrible episode.
So anyway, this is why if there is any way I can avoid it, I don’t want to be near him. Be seen by him. Talk to him. I don’t want to have anything to do with him if that is ever possible. But last night I was not in the mood to argue. He had a bad day. I am aware of that. In the morning his motion to have me attend counseling was dismissed by the judge. So he is definitely not happy. And I am agitated that he might let out his frustrations on me again. It is winter. All the neighbors have their windows shut. No one is out. If he hurt me, no one will hear me crying for help. But I felt like I have no choice. I muster the last shreds of valor in me and drove to the house. All the way there pleading with my Creator to protect me with the perfectness of His protection. I waited on the roadside for the bunnies to come out. It took forever. Bunnyg eventually came running out. As usual she is happy to see me. Bunnyb followed a short while later with tf in tow. Carrying the bunnies change of clothes that I packed the week before. He said something to the effect that eventually I will have to deal with him. That I will not always have my lawyer fighting for me. I told him that if he wants me to attend counseling, he should just call up the counslor, make the appoinment. I will show up for the session. I forgot what was his come back to that. I was determine to leave the scene as fast as I could.
What he did next was really asinine. He put his left hand on my door. And then proceeded to shut the door on his fingers. I was just getting into the car then and was about to shut the door. But he beats me to it. So he shut the car door on his fingers. And then he screamed about what I was was doing. Why did I slam the door on his fingers. I told him. I did not. My hands wasn’t even touching the door yet. He said he will do his best to see to make sure things gets difficult for me too. I take it that he is going to make it look like I hurt him ? I should have known. That night when he broke my car window, he did not admit it either. Trying to put the blame on me saying that I tried to crush his fingers with the power window. Luckily, I called a friend and had him stay on the phone to hear tf admitting (without him knowing, of course!) that I did no such thing. That he was the one who was yanking on the window trying to get me to open the window wider so he can get at me.
I did not even bother double buckling bunnyboy into his seat. As soon as he banged my door shut again (this time without slamming his fingers as well) I bolted out of there. Once I was out of the neighborhood I stopped the car to properly buckle the bunnies and give them each a big hug. I miss my bunnies. As always. On our way back to the little room house, bunnygirl was complaining about how it took me a long time to come get her. Said she doesn’t want to stay with tf for such a long time. I told her I had no choice. That we both love her and bunnyboy, that we have to share her and bunnyboy for the time being. That if I don’t let her stay with tf, he won’t like it and will make life difficult for me. He may even put me in jail. She said, “Okay. But next time just come and get me at 9.30.” To my 5 year old bunnygirl, 9.30 means earlier. Anytime earlier. But I catch her drift. I said I will try next time. But I cannot promise.
Last night bunnyboy fall asleep after about 10 minutes in the car. Very unlike him. When we got home he finally open his eyes. I tried to have him walk by himself up to our little room house. He refused. He prefer wailing on the icy cold pedestrian walk rather than walk by himself. Seing him so determine not to walk by himself, I quickly carried the groceries and left the bags by the main door to our little room house building. Then I came back to bunnyboy to carry him with the groceries bags upstairs. Carrying him and the groeceries up 2 the 2-storey building is so not good for my early 40+s body. But I did it anyway. Have to.
Something is not right. While bunnygirl is ravenous, bunnyboy don’t want to eat anything at all. He is sulky. Only want water. Went straight to bed but not sleeping. Lying there just sucking his thumb and whining for me to get him some water. I gave him the water. Just around bedtime it started. He threw-up the contents of his pancreas right by the bed. I cleaned him up. Get him to brush his teeth and ready for bed. He is all clean and was by the bedside waiting for me to finish my 5 minutes conversation with God before bed. As soon as I was done, he threw-up again. A lot. Right on my prayer mat. Some spilled on the carpet next to the bed. Plenty on his now no longer clean clothes. Carried him to the bathroom. He threw-up some more on the floor. I had to give him a bath a new change of clothes. Again. And again. And again. Until finally there were no longer any bedsheets or blankets that has not been touch by his puke! I had to use the plastic table cloth over our bed so he doesn’t spoil the mattress. By the time I was done changing and bathing and changing and bathing him, it was 2.30 pm. The room house stinks of puke. The bedroom even worse. I kept waking up to check on him. He wasn’t getting that much sleep either. Telling me his tummy hurts. He wants water. Or he wants milk. I told him I can give dry bread but no milk. No water until morning. I don’t want to risk him puking again on the only semi-clean bedsheet that we have.
I was too tired to get up at my usual hour to go to work. Called on a colleague to let my supervisor know I’ll be late coming in today. Spent all morning fussing over bunnyboy. He seems to be doing a lot better this morning. A bit cranky. But the rice milk + cow milk and cereal I fed him for breakfast seems to holding in. And he can’t get enough of the warmed-up plain water. And that is holding in too. And when when he pooped out the last of whatever it was that tf fed him for dinner last night he is as good as new. I know. Because I checked his poop! You know you are mother when you can itemized the content of your child puke and you can scrutinize you child’s poopy without batting an eyelid!. But boy! Bunnyboy’s poop stink big time today. So, I think he is 95% out of his pukey bout. Hooray! Thank the Lord!
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